Wax & Wane

I think I’ve always questioned anyone with authority, my higher ups, elders, anyone commanding me. Not as a means to disrespect but a way to learn more about anything I am presented with. This has not always worked in my favor.

  At 29 I was diagnosed with PTSD. That’s a hard sentence coupled with ADHD that I had been aware of from the tender age of nine. Medications and on and off therapy did nothing but confuse my chemistry as I grew. My mind became muddled and everyone wanted to tell me who I am and what I should be. What a rugged time for a young woman to shape themselves hearing you’re “too fat,” “weird,” and my favorite “eccentric.” How does one shape themselves hearing what they finitely are without being given space to grow into what they can and should be?

   As I’ve come into my practice and look back onto my childhood and how it’s shaped me as as adult, I can’t help but think of the witches that were ex communicated. How lonesome that must have been for some to be cast out. I felt a strong relationship to them and a sense of closeness.

    These women were told they were doing wrong for practicing what made them feel best. They also were scrutinized by how they look. For me, this hits home.

   I’ve always craved for togetherness but in some aspects of my current life I feel safer that way. Sometimes I think that maybe I’ve been through all these experiences both good and bad…. To be me. To hone my craft, look at the sky more, believe in myself and practical magic just a little bit more.

    I began creating candles for instance: pouring them sometimes on certain moon phases. Eventually adding crystals and playing with the idea. I wanted something for EVERYONE. Both people whom don’t practice and blessed and dressed for people who want to use them more seriously.

   For me this is grounding for my therapy and magical practices. Working with wax, failing and succeeding and also curating ingredients soothes me. It causes me to clear my mind, focus and work hard and is extremely rewarding. Especially when I’m able to add a candle I’ve created to my altar. It gives me sense of self and also is great for meditation. Candle making is incredibly rewarding.

   I hope that everyone who steps into their journey is able to find some peace and something that gives them comfort. I now am more confident in my abilities and maybe just one a day a coven will find me. I have found several outstretched and supporting hands in my journey so far and I am so very grateful.